If

If I were alone, I would cry
And if I were with you, I'd be home and dry

Maybe I'll finally make it... Maybe I'll finally get home and never return and be okay and never feel bad...

Please God I know you're there, why wont you just save me. Why wont you help me. Why do you hate me? What did I really do? For real. I cant even explain it. I dont fucking care about anything, why wont you do something? Fucking sadist, its fucking sadistic.


If I were to sleep, I could dream
If I were afraid, I could hide
If I go insane, please don't put
Your wires in my brain

Atom Heart Mother

(instrumental)

Suddenly, once it is true I could kill myself any minute I wanted... I feel pretty powerful. The possible excitement is gone, the drama is gone, all the worries of "how" and "when"... gone. It's actually back to the basics, about life and death. Makes me feel like I'm in charge of something, finally. This is the only thing only I can decide about, the rest is already up to others.

I feel a bit crazy. Not the bad, serious and depressed way, or the funny happy way, neither of them. I wanna scare you and freak you out now. I'm not sure is it good or bad but... does that even matter? Na ah. I feel strong enough to not care for a while.
I actually think I could go and kill someone else.

The Grand Vizier's Garden Party

(instrumental)

Entrance

In elementary school I rocked out. In middle school I was pretty damn good too. School is really not so hard if you just bother even a little bit. I wasn't exactly a straight A student (because of English. Look, 5th grade teacher whoever you were, I'm writing it with a capital E now, happy?). Everything worked out fine, I was just going to get better.


Entertainment

... the fuck happened in high school? Isn't that like the easiest shit ever? Why the hell did I screw it up with all the crap that isnt about school? Weekends are weekends, no time for all that crap during the school days. No fights, no weed, no fucking attitude problems. No sex, no other crap like that. Should have never made any new friends. I was better when no one actually thought I was cool, remember?


Exit

Go ahead and guess. Well you knew it all along

The Narrow Way

Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary strangers' faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before 


So very sick feeling. Dunno if there is a way out anymore. I fear I might have killed somebody. Or will. Seems like you all really are against me on this "Lets-ruin-his-life" mission.


Nah, it's him whos the crazy one, right, right! I just dont see it anymore, I wanna go away and stop the fucking play. I might not live long but my death will be such a show you've never seen before!


Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when there was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the light will be as clear as on that morning

Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict

That was pretty avant-garde, wasn't it?

 Well I like animals and not only the furry and cute ones, but all of them (humans dont count). I've been vegetarian since I was about 12 and more than a year ago I went "vegan" which practically means I live with salad only. I should have thought about it more before I actually decided to be vegan. I'm aware of the fact I fail at doing this sometimes. A few days ago I ate chips and god-knows-what shit there was in it. Same with simple things like.. beer. I dont know if they use animal products in that. Probably some fish oil or such... There is always something.

What about cigarettes? They are animal-tested, and still I smoke on a daily basis. I guess not eating animal products is just hypocritical now since I still use all that kinda crap anyway. I feel shitty about it but come on, I'm not even trying. Thats fucking pathetic. Feeling pathetic and feeling guilty... it's killing me. Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible to feel this way, but there must be something special about me.

Thank you

Grantchester Meadows

In the lazy water meadow
I lay me down
All around me
Golden sunflakes covering the ground
Basking in the sunshine of a by gone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into my city room

Day 5 in bed. Now I could move, without that awful pain.. well, nearly. But during these days the bed became too extremely comfortable. It's hard to get up now, I dont want to get up anymore. If my bed was a transformer it would transform itself into a coffin. The corpse is already there...

Death related "jokes" are always fun, right?

It's a not a serious thing, at least. I think. It might be, for some people, but should I even care since I am dead by when they are sad? ... who they? There is no one. Well well. Back to fucked reality. Therapist mentioned again I might have a little problem called severe depression (really, hes fucking genius) but nothing is gonna be done yet. He's a good guy. I guess thats coz he knows nothing about me. Now we'll just wait and see what kinda drugs I will get next. Ah, life is exciting.

Gonna have a show on Saturday. People will love us, they will love me. Maybe I'll just fuck up the whole thing, lets spice things up a little bit!

Laughing as it passes through the endless summer making for the sea

Sysyphus

(instrumental)

Hey guys... Hey everyone. Hey you, I'm not feeling too awesome. I can barely move. I could faint any moment. I feel so sick. This room stinks. There is this.. window but I'm not even bothered to go and open it. It would hurt too much, just getting up and walking is fucking pain. I could call my lovely dealer over and lets-shoot-up-til-we're-both-numb but I dont know. Maybe later.

Well, thats all I have to say for now. I guess it's good to know I'm still alive. While I still am.

Jugband Blues

It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here
And I'm much obliged to you for making it clear
That I'm not here
 
And I never knew the moon could be so big
And I never knew the moon could be so blue
And I'm grateful that you threw away my old shoes
And brought me here instead dressed in red
And I'm wondering who could be writing this song...

I don't care if the sun don't shine!
And I don't care if nothing is mine!
And I don't care if I'm nervous with you
I'll do my loving in the winter
 
And the sea isn't green
And I love the queen
And what exactly is a dream
And what exactly is a joke?

See-Saw

Picking up weeds, she hasn't got the time to care
All can see he's not there 

Maybe love is overrated. Maybe it's just.. shit, too hard, not for everyone. And yes I mean love between people, that kind of love that changes your world, turns it all around. Or at least should. Geez, I shouldnt be in a relationship anymore. If I call her one more time and tell her to break up with me? It's not normal to fight about the same things every time. If we arent getting anywhere already then what about future? It's just gonna make us hate each other. Unless she already does. Please, please, paranoia, but I think I am right this time.

I cant believe she might be with that guy even now. Thats shit. I'm jealous as hell. He's destroying my life, stealing my girl and... well, talking to me. Thats not good for my state of mind. Again. And another thing making me feel great envy... One other girl told me about eating ice cream with friends after school. It was sunny all day and they were having a good time. Maybe sitting here in darkness with needles and shit around me just isnt the best place for healthy feelings. Maybe I should get the fuck out of this place.

But, as usual, I dont wanna face anyone. I dont wanna go out and let people see this beaten face. I dont wanna see her. I can apologise and ask are we okay now but we arent. Maybe I should stop asking her to break up with me and simply do it myself. Force myself to tell her, its not working. I think everyone would be happier... I think. I wouldnt, but lets be honest: when have I last been any happy?

Yea, exactly. I dont even know. I have a death wish.

He doesn't know so then
She goes up while he goes down, down

A Saucerful of Secrets

(instrumental)

What the hell have I been writing here? Seriously? No one gives a damn.. no one gives a damn... So far, I havent gotten any richer yet. I'm kind of disappointed. But scared too. People are getting way too pervert again.

- She isnt going to the prom with me. I know it now and it drives me crazy. What the hell is this supposed to mean? That she goes with that Someone Else, that she prefers some friendzoned guy? ... is he friendzoned at all? What is he to her? What do I mean for her? Maybe she wants to leave me but she cant, for several reasons: I cant stand being left. She might feel like she HAS to stay with me because of what I do.

or I dont know. It's all bullshit. Just like this text. Man, this is real improvising. Nothing makes sense and everything sounds shitty.

- I'm sexy but I didnt know it before.

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear not-me, happy birthday to you!

Shit, shit, shit...

I'm gonna sell Pink Floyd. Dont hate me, Rogers.

Corporal Clegg

Dear, oh dear, oh were they really sad for me?
Dear, oh dear, oh will they really laugh at me?

There are a few things that embarrass me. Being laughed at isnt the biggest one of them, to be honest. It's kinda something you just ignore after some time it's been happening long enough, so you dont seem to care about people laughing.

Being pitiful, pathetic, is one of the major things that make me feel embarrassed. I realize that most of the time I am asking for it, but not on purpose and it disgusts me to think about it that way. I was suggested again to "get some help", aka see a doctor of some kind, but I've been thinking about what's the use with that, apart from making me feel more pathetic and helpless. I still prefer diaries, or, as in this case, blogs.

Enough of useless wondering that the lyrics force me to do. At the moment I'm having great dollar signs in my eyes. I had a busy night with Jim, we were pilfering around some stuff (yea yea call the LAPD if you want) and probably getting good money after some time. He's also suggesting that I should start dealing junk (mainly with him, even though I dont understand what does he benefit from it) but to be honest I dont wanna get involved in stuff like that, for if it got serious one day I would be in big big trouble. Or I dont know. Probably I'll do it anyway. It feels crappy stealing and running around the city to get money instead of simply doing lil business that gives also more dough. I wouldnt really mind it. And you can get twice, or more, the money if you cheat a little bit. What a cheap monkey have I become.

He's never been the same
No one is to blame

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

Over the mountain watching the watcher
Breaking the darkness, waking the grapevine
One inch of love is one inch of shadow
Love is the shadow that ripens the wine


I'm not feeling too great. Yesterday was another shitty day. I know it's all up to me, why the hell wont I just change things if I dont like them? I honestly dont even know.


I'm afraid of going insane. I dont get my feelings. This cant be fucking real. I'm fucking sick. I wanna get high before I find the scissors. I sound like some emo kid. Why wont you kill yourself? Why wont you kill yourself?


It's time for hypocrisy, thats why not, folks. And I feel like I'm raping Pink Floyd with these awful whinings. Pardon me, whoever you are, reading this... wait. There is no one.


Witness the man who raves at the wall
Making the shape of his questions to Heaven
Whether the sun will fall in the evening
Will he remember the lesson of giving?

Remember A Day

Remember a day before today
A day when you were young
Free to play along with time
Evening never comes

 It's a sunny day, with some clouds in the sky and no wind at all. It's 8 a.m. and I'm 15 years old and already late for school. 'It's always the mondays', I'm thinking while getting on some clothes. Red pants and a Pink Floyd shirt. I never do my hair, just let it be messy as it is. Looking like that, I'm ready to go to school. Just grab my bag and run to the yellow bike.

I arrive at school at 8.30 and it's half way through the lesson. Always worth trying knocking the door. They know it's me anyway.
"'xcuse me, I had some hard time waking up!" I explain to the teacher who is dead bored with the same reason every week.
"Yeah, but you are late anyway."
"I beg your pardon."

At 10 am I'm doing a math test. I know I'm okay at this subject... just I didnt practise at all. Or concentrate during the lessons. I have no idea how to count anything at all with the formulas but I am usually able to figure things out with common sense and make it look like I actually knew something about something.

At 11.30 we're having lunch. I have to admit, it's the funniest thing during the whole school day. It's nearly the only time our whole huge group gets together. It's me (paleface stoner, hippie who eats only vegetables and believes in drugs and no God), Joe (our smartass nigger, clever guy who loves eating burgers and believes in God and no drugs), Damon (pretty boy with rough language, emo who listens to Green Day and System of a Down and is anti-everything), Ian (nerdy nerd, who, unlike all the cliches about black people, isnt good at basketball but World of Warcraft) and Nancy (my girlfriend and the rockest chick ever. We create our own Sex Pistols love), and sometimes other random people. Too often, Damon's new popular friends try to hang out with us, but it wont work; we're too weird for them heheh...

Damon has a fun little black book, it's his diary but he doesnt admit he's writing a diary. We often sabotage his drawings and text with some other bullshit. We comment on what he says and often write to the book during boring lessons, it's a fun way to talk. He has also started to do something even crazier - to write down everything we say during the lunch. Of course, not all the 45 minutes, just a short moment, but it's still awesome. He is way fast. He uses just the first letters of our names to make it simplier to follow. They started talking this conversation before I was even there:


It's fuckin lunch time again...  

I: Not feeling really happy, huh? Concluding your face.
D: Yeah... I hate school. Maths too hard for me, history aint interesting at all, PE just sucks -
I: And you failed the geography test?
D: Totally. Got a clear F, written with that fucking red pen. None of my answers were right which was kinda sad because I really tried my best... in some of the questions...
J: Hey D! I saw your face when we got the tests back.
D: Huh?
J: And you didnt seem to be very content.
D: Hell no! But it wasnt a surprise, you know... I didnt study.
J: Well, Damon didnt study for a test! What a surprise!
I: Yeah, what an epic moment!
D: Quit it
J: But you have only yourself to blame, dude.
D: I know, I know. But I hope I'm not the only one who failed it... Like, have you heard of Syd?
J: Yea, at least he passed it... unlike you.
D: I know! Oh damn, this sure aint going well... but hey. Have you guys made up yet? The argue?
J: I dont know. It's kinda impossible to fight with Syd, you know. He doesnt get it. Not saying he's dumb but he is kinda slow when it comes to social stuff like argues.
D: Maybe.
S: Heeey guys! Whats up? Hey Daim, did you get your test back?
D: Yup
S: Is it time for another alpabet song? A, B, C, D, E - -
D: F! I know, I know...
S: Heheh doesnt matter, man.
J: Why are you late?
S: I'm not late, was just having a smoke
D: Hahah badass..
J: Na ah, thats really just pathetic.
S: What you mean?
J: Bah, c'mon man. Bet you couldnt do a single day without smoking
S: Oh thats easy! I could do like a week, just like that!
J: Oh yea, prove it. Til the next tuesday you wont smoke, okay? Deal?
S: But it's not fair, I needa do this alone. Oh I know! I dont smoke for a week and you dont.. uhm... what do you usually do?
D: Eat fast food hehe..
S: Oh yea! I dont smoke, and you dont eat!
J: ...
S:...okayy..  Dont eat fast food. No McDonalds. Now we got a deal?
J: Sure! But I wont do it alone. Ian must do something too?
I: Me? Why? I dont ever wanna hurt anyone. Dont try get me into it!
D: You know, he has a fucking bad habit called gaming...
S: Oh yea, no WoW just for one week. Come on, it's gonna be fun!
J: Well, we'll see about that...
I: What about Damon? He should do something, too.
D: No no no no... I dont even do anything weird like that. I mean, I'm just... normal.. I mean.. you know what I mean!
N: Hey guys
S: Heeey, how are you? Lets hug!
N: I'm cool
S: Awesome. Wanna go somewhere tonight?
N: Sure, wherever you want
S: Heheh, like always. Love you.
J: Stop it, already. And this food is crap
D: Go to get a Big Mac... oh wait, you cant! AHAHAHAHAHA!
J: Man, youre not even as funny as usually. And usually you suck!
D: Aww.. okay..

At 1 p.m. it's art class. I'm painting yet another psychedelic, red-colored picture, and name it "Adventures of the Sea". The teacher doesnt understand it but I explain it's something you have to break on through to the other side to understand. He still doesnt get it.

I arrive home at 4 p.m. Lauren is here already. She asks how was the day and what would I wanna eat today. I say anything will be fine and go to my room, to listen to music and pretend it is '68 again.

Later in the evening I go to see Nancy. We walk around the city, pose to random people who start staring at us for no reason, feel free and run in the park. At about 9 p.m. we go to my home knowing my parents arent there. I put on some music. The Doors is always lovely, mysterious and dark. I draw her in candle light and she gets undressed as I try to concentrate on the sketch. I cant, she forces me to look at her sweet, sweet body of a goddess. We spend the rest of the night like that, slowly, together in the feelings of passion lasting forever.

Dream yourself away
Why can't we reach the sun?
Why can't we blow the years away?
Blow away
Blow away
Remember
Remember

Let There Be More Light

Far, far, far away, way
People heard him say, say
I will find a way, way
There will come a day day
Something will be done

I dont believe in god. Not at all. Not even a single bit. The whole thought of it is ridiculous. If the god existed why would here be such things as wars and other bad events. Natural disasters, anything. Yup. If god was here he wouldnt let such things happen.

... or would he? When everything in my life started to work as well as a broken ankle, I started to wonder if there actually was a god. When I was a kid I was sure about it, of course he exists! He created us all and loves us all! Now I'd like to believe in a little bit different god. He hates us, he wants the worst for us. He enjoyed seeing Jesus Christ tortured and in pain. He wants war, he is childish and stupid and still, still people pray and believe in him. Thats ridiculous, I think. If god controls everything, he also creates the bad things in your very own life, too? Yeah, keep praying, maybe he will forgive your sins... that you were given because you were born! Yea, thats the fair god.

I have met kinda many muslims already. They like to tell me to start believing in their god or else, I will go to Hell. Well, you see, the thing is that even if I believed in god I would go to Hell, because of the things I do. So either way, it's me going to Hell, whatever I believe or not. And if I dont even believe such place exists, my chances of getting there are automatically lower, right? So it's my way to win. Other way would be to pray for Satan to treat me well, but I'm not sure if that makes any sense since I dont obviously believe in his existence either. At least I will have my parties in Hell with other people like me.

So screw you, god, even if you are real... I dont wanna waste time praying for someone like you. You dont deserve it.

Oh, oh, did you ever
No, no never ever will they
I'll say!
Summoning his cosmic powers
And glowing slightly from his toes
His psychic emanations flowed

Bike

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

... no I didnt, I sold it away.

I've got a cloak
It's a bit of a joke
There's a tear up the front
It's red and black
I've had it for months
If you think it could look good
Then I guess it should

...but people laughed at me when I wore it.

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

By now, he must be dead.

I've got a clan of gingerbread men
Here a man
There a man
Lots of gingerbread men
Take a couple if you wish
They're on the dish

I dont ever eat.

I know a room full of musical tunes
Some rhyme
Some ching
Most of them are clockwork
Let's go into the other room and make them work

I sold my albums and the record player, too.

The Scarecrow

His head did no thinking

His arms didn't move except when the wind cut up

Rough and mice ran around on the ground

He stood in a field where barley grows

Being careless and numb is a sick feeling. Surrounded by everyone picking on you and you just dont want to care. It is true it can be a great defense but when it happens everywhere and all the time it just makes a strange feeling of... non-existing. If you cant react or feel or communicate with actually anyone the normal way you want to, how can you know youre even there? Without other people you cant be sure of anything. At least thats what I feel.

I hate you, dont leave me!

I could tell you anything I wanted and I know you are still reading this. I could explain about my feelings and things I've done and the way I think... but I'm starting to realize you wont get it anyway. They call me cold and distant, I guess theyre right, but I cant help being the way I am. Even if I told you my most horrible secrets it wouldnt feel like I'm being honest... or that I'm actually there telling about it. I'm not really aware of my existence anymore.

All I can do now is argue and fight and hurt your feelings. I want to tell you it's not me, it's not what I want for real. I want to seem like a good person and be like you. I want someone to notice! Where's the attention? Am I invisible?

The black and green scarecrow is sadder than me
but now he's resigned to his fate
'cause life's not unkind
He doesn't mind

Chapter 24

Things cannot be destroyed once and for all

Or can they? I dont even believe that anymore. I've been given too many chances compared to the things I've done, none of them destroyed anything once and for all. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by people that are better than I am in all possible ways. They treat me well enough when I'm being a complete motherfucker, a few good examples of that:

It's Valentine's Day and I have promised my girlfriend to stay sober for this one day. She knows how big deal it is for me and I make her so happy when I promise I will do it, we have a great day and spend the night at her home, watching tv, talking, just having good time... I'm so strung out and cant handle it. I have come up with a great plan. I go get high in the bathroom, just fast, and no one will be wiser. Could I have been more wrong? After 10 minutes of nothing happening she understands whats going on. She's nearly crying and saying: "Syd, come here, I wanna talk to you. I know you're high. You shouldnt have promised anything. Why did I even try to trust you?"

It's not the first time but still, she hasnt broken up with me. Not even mentioned a word about that.

The day before yesterday I'm fighting with Michael as always. We do that every night. I shouldn't go out late at night anymore, he has been saying since he decided to become a father for real. And we fight and fight and fight about that. I eventually hit him. I've never ever done that before. He would never hurt me. In fact, what he says is that he wants to help me the best he could and make my life as good as possible, but someone needs to take care of me. Thats him, thats him.

And I cry and yell and scream and hit and kick and crawl and dont bother to apologise. Thats me, thats me

A movement is accomplished in six stages
And the seventh brings return
The seven is the number of the young light
It forms when darkness is increased by one
Change returns success
Going and coming without error
Action brings good fortune
Sunset
Sunrise

The Gnome

 I want to tell you a story
'Bout a little man if I can
A gnome named Grimble Gromble
And little gnomes stay in their homes
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine

When I was about 10 I was taken to several tests to see if I was a normal kid. I didnt concentrate enough at school and enjoyed more spending time alone than with other people. I had my own little adventures in the park and I asked flowers the way back home if I got lost. Never met any fantasy characters, though. No gnomes, fairly rarely fairies. But I could always imagine them. I've always been good at that, just like telling stories. Actually, when the "tests", I usually ended up telling all kinds of stories, fictional or real, about spaceships and how to take someone's sandwich without them noticing or how to make a kite or what would happen if it was snowy all year round. They were trying to see if I had ADHD or such to explain my abnormal behavior, but no, I was just a weird child. People used to say I'm really a smart boy but a bit living in my own world. I always thought it was just a fun little thing and at least no one could say I had no imagination. If other kids had wanted to play with me we could have had such wonderful stories and adventures... However I am romanticizing my childhood again. But it was kinda sweet. I guess.

Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?

Winding, finding places to go

Interstellar Overdrive

(instrumental)

I got

27 as my funeral year
26 songs to sing on the stage
25 year-old- looking face
24 hours
23 nightmares during one night
22 lies
21st century hatred
20 times I passed out
19 sex partners
18 albums left
17 years behind
16 as my lucky number
15 problems
14 books about music
13 new compositions
12 notes
11 as my curfew
10 toes
9 scars
8 hours til the next dose
7 plectrums
6 pencils
5 fingers in one hand
4 best kicks in the world
3 pants
2 loved ones
1 window to see the world outside

Take Up Thy Stethoscope and Walk

Doctor Doctor  I'm in bed
Doctor Doctor  aching head
Doctor Doctor  gold is lead
Doctor Doctor  choke on bread
Doctor Doctor  underfed
Doctor Doctor  gold is lead
Doctor Doctor  Jesus bled
Doctor Doctor  pain is red

I am scared of doctors. Medication, and the power they might have over us. I am greatly drugged daily - by Crixivan, Retrovir, Epivir, dope (have fun time checking out the sickness), and I start to feel like there is something suspicious about it. People use a lot of medicines that are useless for anyone else but the companies who get the money. And doctors. What if all vaccinations and everything... change our minds. Make us believe media and government and all kind of other shit. We're under control and cannot escape because the drugs will be there, everywhere, like in the food we eat. This is why I dont eat. People call me paranoid and keep saying I'm losing sense of reality. Or I should see a mental doctor. I know they mean it for real but they wont understand - theyre so very different. I cant understand them, but I think.. I still think, it might be the medicines, vitamins, that make them think so. And I'm free. They wont get me - except they already did. And they still do, every single day. So... I shouldnt be able to realize this.

Music seems to help the pain
Seems to motivate the brain
Doctor kindly tell your wife
That I'm alive
Flowers thrive
Realise
Realise
Realise

Pow R. Toc H.

(instrumental)

Man, now I gotta be honest with you, I have no idea what is this song about. Well, I know how The Piper at the Gates of Dawn album works - if you dont understand something about the song, just blame the crazy acidhead. His lyrics are childish and simply stupid, maybe even artsy? I'ts obvious that someone on sweet trip couldn't write anything sensible anyway?

I hate the fact you can't listen to the album without noticing the drugs part. You laugh and say "oh they must have had so much good time while composing it!" because it is true. Still, majority of listeners seem to forget the deeper meaning, it's not all about getting high and staying there, or some cool background music to smoking pot. It's so much more about mind. Explore it, find it, hide it, clean it, ruin it. Both drugs and music help with that, they work with your mind and change it. In many ways. I found it rather interesting, even to the point it became way too interesting. They, however, keep me balanced. Money plays its own part, too.

Drugs, music and money. Key to victory

I also hate the fact drugs define you as a person. I havent met anyone who has had nothing to say after they find about my use. It's always the same mantra about how to quit and what to do and why to do and why is it bad and why is it wrong and other shit like that. Well tell you what, we arent that screwed up, dumb, homeless losers who have ruined their life shooting heroin 24/7. No one does that anyway, it's physically impossible. At least I would overdose pretty fast, dont know about the hardcore users. But my point was, that not everyone somewhere here is about to die. Most arent. Forget about the cliches, I'm fed up with people telling shit like that. So here comes another mantra. I dont need help, since there are no problems, and quitting is not an option, since there is no will to do that. This speech was inspired by what she said to me.

I love drugs.

Music defines you as a person. If you listen to rock, people want you to act like a badass. If you're into pop, you're either gay or cool, depending on who says. And if you dont listen to music at all, in my eyes you are nothing. Being a musician is even better. There is always someone to hate you and your music. Your lyrics and melodies are crap and stupid, lame shit. Nothing compared to Beethoven or other geniuses. But is that a surprise? You're not as famous as Beethoven is, either. And there must be a reason for that. Even though I have to admit... the popularity of music does not usually tell about the quality nowadays. It's easy to create a four chord song with dirty lyrics about "love". I wouldnt call this.. "thing" as music anyway. But I still love playing, composing, listening, anything.

I love music.

But what controls the most and defines everything... is money. If you are rich, you are not allowed to whine. If you are poor, you should start working. I happen to be rich/poor. Rich as the country I live in, is still rather rich and not part of third world countries, rich as my family is, and so on. Poor as  personally, I have no money. I wouldnt like to be inside its cold grasp, but I still am. Money controls us. Later on, I will tell more about that, when the time is right.

I hate money.

I just realized that typing like this, with great spaces, makes the text look very... wannabe cool. Artsy and stupid. Too bad I noticed it too late. Live with it

Flaming

Alone in the clouds all blue
Lying on an eiderdown
Yippee! You can't see me
But I can you

I could spend all days in bed, wondering the world and not leaving the house. I honestly have no reasons to go out. Sure, it is a funny sunny day but I have seen many enough to remember them clearly now.

Lazing in the foggy dew
Sitting on a unicorn
No fear, you can't hear me
But I can you

If it just was summer... I could go out, have fun time with friends, drop acid, relax and stay up whole night, imagine new things and explore my mind once more.

Watching buttercups cup the light
Sleeping on a dandelion
Too much, I won't touch youBut then I might

But I dont have summer, friends, acid, relaxing nights, imagination or mind!

Screaming through the starlit sky
Travelling by telephone
Hey ho, here we go
Ever so high

While typing this, I'm actually not high. Just drugged and messed up, by three different medical drugs + smack, which obviously doesnt count. This probably explains the state of these thoughts. It's another reason why I dont wanna go out, I look even worse than usually and feel like throwing up, sick overall. You should see me! Of course you cant... but I can you.

Alone in the clouds all blue
Lying on an eiderdown
Yippee! You can't see me
But I can you

Matilda Mother

There was a king who ruled the land
His majesty was in command
With silver eyes the scarlet eagle
Showers silver on the people
Oh Mother, tell me more

Why'd'ya have to leave me there?!
Hanging in my infant air
Waiting?
You only have to read the lines, they're scribbly black and everything shines!

If I ever have children I will never leave them.
I wont be like you
Thanks Mom and Dad
You made me a better person than what you are

Higher once upon a time
Wandering and dreaming
The words have different meaning
Yes they did

Lucifer Sam

You're the left side
He's the right side.
Oh, no!
That cat's something I can't explain!

Maybe I should clear things up a little bit. Who I am and why does this blog exist?
Answer to the first question:
     I'm Syd
Answer to the second question:
     I created it out of curiosity, also just to see how it works. And who knows, maybe the thoughts of my racing mind become popular? Probably not, but lets think about this as a diary. No one is supposed to see that, either? So popular or not, I cannot lose.

While typing this I'm being greatly disturbed by Matthew, and therefore (also because the title compels me to write something about cats) I thought I could talk about him.
Cats are nice, yes? Especially when they are sleeping on your face. Matthew does that. He is small, though. One of the smallest cats I have ever seen, if you don't count kittens. And he is white, sometimes I think he was meant to be a pillow but nature was doing its tricks again.

Matt is one of my best friends and he is very social. Sometimes it is hard to tell what he is trying to say but I usually figure it out. Ours minds are similar. We used to go walk together but others said that it is weird and Matt didn't care about the attention he got by random strangers but usually ran away. Silly cat, he is sometimes illogical

At the moment he is the one asking for attention, now. Maybe I could spend some time playing with him. He was gone for a few months, and no one else but himself knows where he was. So I missed him a lot, especially when I had lost hope that he would come back from those adventures. But now he is back and wants to eat my fingers

~~~~~~~~Friendship is magic~~~~~~~~

Astronomy Domine

Blinding signs flap flicker flicker flicker blam pow pow stairway scare Dan Dare who's there...

So who is it? Your lovely old fellow Syd is here to tell you a story in the spirit of good old nature of junkie experiments as a curious soul he is, returning the time machine back to the place I was before. A lot of nostalgia shall be seen and a lot of pain will be heard as someone is trying to understand the real meaning of a person losing his mind to the others who deserve it more

The one who joins on the same level of army of brain cells is perfectly welcomed!

Lime and limpid green the sounds surrounds the icy waters underground
Lime and limpid green the sounds surrounds the icy waters underground