Corporal Clegg

Dear, oh dear, oh were they really sad for me?
Dear, oh dear, oh will they really laugh at me?

There are a few things that embarrass me. Being laughed at isnt the biggest one of them, to be honest. It's kinda something you just ignore after some time it's been happening long enough, so you dont seem to care about people laughing.

Being pitiful, pathetic, is one of the major things that make me feel embarrassed. I realize that most of the time I am asking for it, but not on purpose and it disgusts me to think about it that way. I was suggested again to "get some help", aka see a doctor of some kind, but I've been thinking about what's the use with that, apart from making me feel more pathetic and helpless. I still prefer diaries, or, as in this case, blogs.

Enough of useless wondering that the lyrics force me to do. At the moment I'm having great dollar signs in my eyes. I had a busy night with Jim, we were pilfering around some stuff (yea yea call the LAPD if you want) and probably getting good money after some time. He's also suggesting that I should start dealing junk (mainly with him, even though I dont understand what does he benefit from it) but to be honest I dont wanna get involved in stuff like that, for if it got serious one day I would be in big big trouble. Or I dont know. Probably I'll do it anyway. It feels crappy stealing and running around the city to get money instead of simply doing lil business that gives also more dough. I wouldnt really mind it. And you can get twice, or more, the money if you cheat a little bit. What a cheap monkey have I become.

He's never been the same
No one is to blame

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

Over the mountain watching the watcher
Breaking the darkness, waking the grapevine
One inch of love is one inch of shadow
Love is the shadow that ripens the wine


I'm not feeling too great. Yesterday was another shitty day. I know it's all up to me, why the hell wont I just change things if I dont like them? I honestly dont even know.


I'm afraid of going insane. I dont get my feelings. This cant be fucking real. I'm fucking sick. I wanna get high before I find the scissors. I sound like some emo kid. Why wont you kill yourself? Why wont you kill yourself?


It's time for hypocrisy, thats why not, folks. And I feel like I'm raping Pink Floyd with these awful whinings. Pardon me, whoever you are, reading this... wait. There is no one.


Witness the man who raves at the wall
Making the shape of his questions to Heaven
Whether the sun will fall in the evening
Will he remember the lesson of giving?

Remember A Day

Remember a day before today
A day when you were young
Free to play along with time
Evening never comes

 It's a sunny day, with some clouds in the sky and no wind at all. It's 8 a.m. and I'm 15 years old and already late for school. 'It's always the mondays', I'm thinking while getting on some clothes. Red pants and a Pink Floyd shirt. I never do my hair, just let it be messy as it is. Looking like that, I'm ready to go to school. Just grab my bag and run to the yellow bike.

I arrive at school at 8.30 and it's half way through the lesson. Always worth trying knocking the door. They know it's me anyway.
"'xcuse me, I had some hard time waking up!" I explain to the teacher who is dead bored with the same reason every week.
"Yeah, but you are late anyway."
"I beg your pardon."

At 10 am I'm doing a math test. I know I'm okay at this subject... just I didnt practise at all. Or concentrate during the lessons. I have no idea how to count anything at all with the formulas but I am usually able to figure things out with common sense and make it look like I actually knew something about something.

At 11.30 we're having lunch. I have to admit, it's the funniest thing during the whole school day. It's nearly the only time our whole huge group gets together. It's me (paleface stoner, hippie who eats only vegetables and believes in drugs and no God), Joe (our smartass nigger, clever guy who loves eating burgers and believes in God and no drugs), Damon (pretty boy with rough language, emo who listens to Green Day and System of a Down and is anti-everything), Ian (nerdy nerd, who, unlike all the cliches about black people, isnt good at basketball but World of Warcraft) and Nancy (my girlfriend and the rockest chick ever. We create our own Sex Pistols love), and sometimes other random people. Too often, Damon's new popular friends try to hang out with us, but it wont work; we're too weird for them heheh...

Damon has a fun little black book, it's his diary but he doesnt admit he's writing a diary. We often sabotage his drawings and text with some other bullshit. We comment on what he says and often write to the book during boring lessons, it's a fun way to talk. He has also started to do something even crazier - to write down everything we say during the lunch. Of course, not all the 45 minutes, just a short moment, but it's still awesome. He is way fast. He uses just the first letters of our names to make it simplier to follow. They started talking this conversation before I was even there:


It's fuckin lunch time again...  

I: Not feeling really happy, huh? Concluding your face.
D: Yeah... I hate school. Maths too hard for me, history aint interesting at all, PE just sucks -
I: And you failed the geography test?
D: Totally. Got a clear F, written with that fucking red pen. None of my answers were right which was kinda sad because I really tried my best... in some of the questions...
J: Hey D! I saw your face when we got the tests back.
D: Huh?
J: And you didnt seem to be very content.
D: Hell no! But it wasnt a surprise, you know... I didnt study.
J: Well, Damon didnt study for a test! What a surprise!
I: Yeah, what an epic moment!
D: Quit it
J: But you have only yourself to blame, dude.
D: I know, I know. But I hope I'm not the only one who failed it... Like, have you heard of Syd?
J: Yea, at least he passed it... unlike you.
D: I know! Oh damn, this sure aint going well... but hey. Have you guys made up yet? The argue?
J: I dont know. It's kinda impossible to fight with Syd, you know. He doesnt get it. Not saying he's dumb but he is kinda slow when it comes to social stuff like argues.
D: Maybe.
S: Heeey guys! Whats up? Hey Daim, did you get your test back?
D: Yup
S: Is it time for another alpabet song? A, B, C, D, E - -
D: F! I know, I know...
S: Heheh doesnt matter, man.
J: Why are you late?
S: I'm not late, was just having a smoke
D: Hahah badass..
J: Na ah, thats really just pathetic.
S: What you mean?
J: Bah, c'mon man. Bet you couldnt do a single day without smoking
S: Oh thats easy! I could do like a week, just like that!
J: Oh yea, prove it. Til the next tuesday you wont smoke, okay? Deal?
S: But it's not fair, I needa do this alone. Oh I know! I dont smoke for a week and you dont.. uhm... what do you usually do?
D: Eat fast food hehe..
S: Oh yea! I dont smoke, and you dont eat!
J: ...
S:...okayy..  Dont eat fast food. No McDonalds. Now we got a deal?
J: Sure! But I wont do it alone. Ian must do something too?
I: Me? Why? I dont ever wanna hurt anyone. Dont try get me into it!
D: You know, he has a fucking bad habit called gaming...
S: Oh yea, no WoW just for one week. Come on, it's gonna be fun!
J: Well, we'll see about that...
I: What about Damon? He should do something, too.
D: No no no no... I dont even do anything weird like that. I mean, I'm just... normal.. I mean.. you know what I mean!
N: Hey guys
S: Heeey, how are you? Lets hug!
N: I'm cool
S: Awesome. Wanna go somewhere tonight?
N: Sure, wherever you want
S: Heheh, like always. Love you.
J: Stop it, already. And this food is crap
D: Go to get a Big Mac... oh wait, you cant! AHAHAHAHAHA!
J: Man, youre not even as funny as usually. And usually you suck!
D: Aww.. okay..

At 1 p.m. it's art class. I'm painting yet another psychedelic, red-colored picture, and name it "Adventures of the Sea". The teacher doesnt understand it but I explain it's something you have to break on through to the other side to understand. He still doesnt get it.

I arrive home at 4 p.m. Lauren is here already. She asks how was the day and what would I wanna eat today. I say anything will be fine and go to my room, to listen to music and pretend it is '68 again.

Later in the evening I go to see Nancy. We walk around the city, pose to random people who start staring at us for no reason, feel free and run in the park. At about 9 p.m. we go to my home knowing my parents arent there. I put on some music. The Doors is always lovely, mysterious and dark. I draw her in candle light and she gets undressed as I try to concentrate on the sketch. I cant, she forces me to look at her sweet, sweet body of a goddess. We spend the rest of the night like that, slowly, together in the feelings of passion lasting forever.

Dream yourself away
Why can't we reach the sun?
Why can't we blow the years away?
Blow away
Blow away
Remember
Remember

Let There Be More Light

Far, far, far away, way
People heard him say, say
I will find a way, way
There will come a day day
Something will be done

I dont believe in god. Not at all. Not even a single bit. The whole thought of it is ridiculous. If the god existed why would here be such things as wars and other bad events. Natural disasters, anything. Yup. If god was here he wouldnt let such things happen.

... or would he? When everything in my life started to work as well as a broken ankle, I started to wonder if there actually was a god. When I was a kid I was sure about it, of course he exists! He created us all and loves us all! Now I'd like to believe in a little bit different god. He hates us, he wants the worst for us. He enjoyed seeing Jesus Christ tortured and in pain. He wants war, he is childish and stupid and still, still people pray and believe in him. Thats ridiculous, I think. If god controls everything, he also creates the bad things in your very own life, too? Yeah, keep praying, maybe he will forgive your sins... that you were given because you were born! Yea, thats the fair god.

I have met kinda many muslims already. They like to tell me to start believing in their god or else, I will go to Hell. Well, you see, the thing is that even if I believed in god I would go to Hell, because of the things I do. So either way, it's me going to Hell, whatever I believe or not. And if I dont even believe such place exists, my chances of getting there are automatically lower, right? So it's my way to win. Other way would be to pray for Satan to treat me well, but I'm not sure if that makes any sense since I dont obviously believe in his existence either. At least I will have my parties in Hell with other people like me.

So screw you, god, even if you are real... I dont wanna waste time praying for someone like you. You dont deserve it.

Oh, oh, did you ever
No, no never ever will they
I'll say!
Summoning his cosmic powers
And glowing slightly from his toes
His psychic emanations flowed

Bike

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

... no I didnt, I sold it away.

I've got a cloak
It's a bit of a joke
There's a tear up the front
It's red and black
I've had it for months
If you think it could look good
Then I guess it should

...but people laughed at me when I wore it.

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

By now, he must be dead.

I've got a clan of gingerbread men
Here a man
There a man
Lots of gingerbread men
Take a couple if you wish
They're on the dish

I dont ever eat.

I know a room full of musical tunes
Some rhyme
Some ching
Most of them are clockwork
Let's go into the other room and make them work

I sold my albums and the record player, too.

The Scarecrow

His head did no thinking

His arms didn't move except when the wind cut up

Rough and mice ran around on the ground

He stood in a field where barley grows

Being careless and numb is a sick feeling. Surrounded by everyone picking on you and you just dont want to care. It is true it can be a great defense but when it happens everywhere and all the time it just makes a strange feeling of... non-existing. If you cant react or feel or communicate with actually anyone the normal way you want to, how can you know youre even there? Without other people you cant be sure of anything. At least thats what I feel.

I hate you, dont leave me!

I could tell you anything I wanted and I know you are still reading this. I could explain about my feelings and things I've done and the way I think... but I'm starting to realize you wont get it anyway. They call me cold and distant, I guess theyre right, but I cant help being the way I am. Even if I told you my most horrible secrets it wouldnt feel like I'm being honest... or that I'm actually there telling about it. I'm not really aware of my existence anymore.

All I can do now is argue and fight and hurt your feelings. I want to tell you it's not me, it's not what I want for real. I want to seem like a good person and be like you. I want someone to notice! Where's the attention? Am I invisible?

The black and green scarecrow is sadder than me
but now he's resigned to his fate
'cause life's not unkind
He doesn't mind

Chapter 24

Things cannot be destroyed once and for all

Or can they? I dont even believe that anymore. I've been given too many chances compared to the things I've done, none of them destroyed anything once and for all. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by people that are better than I am in all possible ways. They treat me well enough when I'm being a complete motherfucker, a few good examples of that:

It's Valentine's Day and I have promised my girlfriend to stay sober for this one day. She knows how big deal it is for me and I make her so happy when I promise I will do it, we have a great day and spend the night at her home, watching tv, talking, just having good time... I'm so strung out and cant handle it. I have come up with a great plan. I go get high in the bathroom, just fast, and no one will be wiser. Could I have been more wrong? After 10 minutes of nothing happening she understands whats going on. She's nearly crying and saying: "Syd, come here, I wanna talk to you. I know you're high. You shouldnt have promised anything. Why did I even try to trust you?"

It's not the first time but still, she hasnt broken up with me. Not even mentioned a word about that.

The day before yesterday I'm fighting with Michael as always. We do that every night. I shouldn't go out late at night anymore, he has been saying since he decided to become a father for real. And we fight and fight and fight about that. I eventually hit him. I've never ever done that before. He would never hurt me. In fact, what he says is that he wants to help me the best he could and make my life as good as possible, but someone needs to take care of me. Thats him, thats him.

And I cry and yell and scream and hit and kick and crawl and dont bother to apologise. Thats me, thats me

A movement is accomplished in six stages
And the seventh brings return
The seven is the number of the young light
It forms when darkness is increased by one
Change returns success
Going and coming without error
Action brings good fortune
Sunset
Sunrise

The Gnome

 I want to tell you a story
'Bout a little man if I can
A gnome named Grimble Gromble
And little gnomes stay in their homes
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine

When I was about 10 I was taken to several tests to see if I was a normal kid. I didnt concentrate enough at school and enjoyed more spending time alone than with other people. I had my own little adventures in the park and I asked flowers the way back home if I got lost. Never met any fantasy characters, though. No gnomes, fairly rarely fairies. But I could always imagine them. I've always been good at that, just like telling stories. Actually, when the "tests", I usually ended up telling all kinds of stories, fictional or real, about spaceships and how to take someone's sandwich without them noticing or how to make a kite or what would happen if it was snowy all year round. They were trying to see if I had ADHD or such to explain my abnormal behavior, but no, I was just a weird child. People used to say I'm really a smart boy but a bit living in my own world. I always thought it was just a fun little thing and at least no one could say I had no imagination. If other kids had wanted to play with me we could have had such wonderful stories and adventures... However I am romanticizing my childhood again. But it was kinda sweet. I guess.

Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?

Winding, finding places to go