If

If I were alone, I would cry
And if I were with you, I'd be home and dry

Maybe I'll finally make it... Maybe I'll finally get home and never return and be okay and never feel bad...

Please God I know you're there, why wont you just save me. Why wont you help me. Why do you hate me? What did I really do? For real. I cant even explain it. I dont fucking care about anything, why wont you do something? Fucking sadist, its fucking sadistic.


If I were to sleep, I could dream
If I were afraid, I could hide
If I go insane, please don't put
Your wires in my brain

Atom Heart Mother

(instrumental)

Suddenly, once it is true I could kill myself any minute I wanted... I feel pretty powerful. The possible excitement is gone, the drama is gone, all the worries of "how" and "when"... gone. It's actually back to the basics, about life and death. Makes me feel like I'm in charge of something, finally. This is the only thing only I can decide about, the rest is already up to others.

I feel a bit crazy. Not the bad, serious and depressed way, or the funny happy way, neither of them. I wanna scare you and freak you out now. I'm not sure is it good or bad but... does that even matter? Na ah. I feel strong enough to not care for a while.
I actually think I could go and kill someone else.

The Grand Vizier's Garden Party

(instrumental)

Entrance

In elementary school I rocked out. In middle school I was pretty damn good too. School is really not so hard if you just bother even a little bit. I wasn't exactly a straight A student (because of English. Look, 5th grade teacher whoever you were, I'm writing it with a capital E now, happy?). Everything worked out fine, I was just going to get better.


Entertainment

... the fuck happened in high school? Isn't that like the easiest shit ever? Why the hell did I screw it up with all the crap that isnt about school? Weekends are weekends, no time for all that crap during the school days. No fights, no weed, no fucking attitude problems. No sex, no other crap like that. Should have never made any new friends. I was better when no one actually thought I was cool, remember?


Exit

Go ahead and guess. Well you knew it all along

The Narrow Way

Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary strangers' faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before 


So very sick feeling. Dunno if there is a way out anymore. I fear I might have killed somebody. Or will. Seems like you all really are against me on this "Lets-ruin-his-life" mission.


Nah, it's him whos the crazy one, right, right! I just dont see it anymore, I wanna go away and stop the fucking play. I might not live long but my death will be such a show you've never seen before!


Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when there was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the light will be as clear as on that morning

Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict

That was pretty avant-garde, wasn't it?

 Well I like animals and not only the furry and cute ones, but all of them (humans dont count). I've been vegetarian since I was about 12 and more than a year ago I went "vegan" which practically means I live with salad only. I should have thought about it more before I actually decided to be vegan. I'm aware of the fact I fail at doing this sometimes. A few days ago I ate chips and god-knows-what shit there was in it. Same with simple things like.. beer. I dont know if they use animal products in that. Probably some fish oil or such... There is always something.

What about cigarettes? They are animal-tested, and still I smoke on a daily basis. I guess not eating animal products is just hypocritical now since I still use all that kinda crap anyway. I feel shitty about it but come on, I'm not even trying. Thats fucking pathetic. Feeling pathetic and feeling guilty... it's killing me. Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible to feel this way, but there must be something special about me.

Thank you

Grantchester Meadows

In the lazy water meadow
I lay me down
All around me
Golden sunflakes covering the ground
Basking in the sunshine of a by gone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into my city room

Day 5 in bed. Now I could move, without that awful pain.. well, nearly. But during these days the bed became too extremely comfortable. It's hard to get up now, I dont want to get up anymore. If my bed was a transformer it would transform itself into a coffin. The corpse is already there...

Death related "jokes" are always fun, right?

It's a not a serious thing, at least. I think. It might be, for some people, but should I even care since I am dead by when they are sad? ... who they? There is no one. Well well. Back to fucked reality. Therapist mentioned again I might have a little problem called severe depression (really, hes fucking genius) but nothing is gonna be done yet. He's a good guy. I guess thats coz he knows nothing about me. Now we'll just wait and see what kinda drugs I will get next. Ah, life is exciting.

Gonna have a show on Saturday. People will love us, they will love me. Maybe I'll just fuck up the whole thing, lets spice things up a little bit!

Laughing as it passes through the endless summer making for the sea

Sysyphus

(instrumental)

Hey guys... Hey everyone. Hey you, I'm not feeling too awesome. I can barely move. I could faint any moment. I feel so sick. This room stinks. There is this.. window but I'm not even bothered to go and open it. It would hurt too much, just getting up and walking is fucking pain. I could call my lovely dealer over and lets-shoot-up-til-we're-both-numb but I dont know. Maybe later.

Well, thats all I have to say for now. I guess it's good to know I'm still alive. While I still am.